Imagine living in a beautiful home, a palace almost. Having cars, chauffeurs, maids, cooks, an entourage at your beck and call. A personal assistant, a wardrobe stylist, personal tailor, makeup artist, hair designer and personal trainer…all there to take care of you every day, to help you be the best you that you could be. That was my life when I had a career as a film actress. On the surface it looked like I lived this palatial, privileged and perfect life. But only I knew that inside this palace there was a pile of crap covered up with a golden tarp. (For my international readers, a tarp is a heavy duty weatherproof covering, cloth or canvas.)
Imagine having a pile of junk, scrap and old debris, stacked under this glimmering, glittery piece of fabric that you never look under. Can you picture this? Can you relate to this? I had no idea that my life had such a heavy dose of illusion, fantasy and denial. But that was how I coped with the trauma of my abusive childhood. I just pretended it never happened the way it actually happened. What followed was a vicious cycle because now I had to keep up with that facade or else the house of cards I had built would come crashing down.
I tried to do it on my own! I put all my best thinking to work and put it to the test but it could only take me to the boundaries that my own mind had created, which was the thinking that had led me to my place of despair to begin with. No wonder I couldn’t get myself out of my misery and needed an external teacher, mentor and guide! First of all, I could not slow down long enough to pause, get still or be ok with the way things were. It was a struggle to get present to my feelings, or to be in the present moment.
What I did was run from pillar to post in a frantic frenzy, feeling so self-important, like I was so needed and indispensable, that I could not, would not pause. I couldn’t pay attention to my own feelings. Why is that? For one, I didn’t feel like I had permission. Or that I mattered. In my attempts to feel “good” about myself I put all my attention and focus outside of me. Helping others feel good made me feel good. In other words I thought I was worthy only because I was good for something, or someone. I was so committed to caretaking that I kept my mind occupied, jam packed with concerns for the rest of the world and ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. I kept running and rushing and racing around like a zipcar, too busy to even tell you how busy I was.
So if there is something under that golden tarp, it’s time to pause. I want to share a way this can happen, and happen quickly for you. Next week, I will share with you how you can clear the clutter under the golden tarp and find your access to permanently releasing and healing the past. It’s time to have a spiritual awakening and manifest the life you are meant to live.
To be continued…